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Dancer's Life

"constantly following breadcrumbs to that gingerbread theater's stage"

5/7/05 05:19 pm - Mmm Updating Is So Fun!

thats me above. holding myself to contain myself. to make sure i dont lose it. to make sure i dont fall apart. b/c i think im finally to that breaking point. where nothing is lasting enough to keep me from crying when im alone. to keep me from fallin out falling to my knees and searchin desperately for a point 2 it all. 4 a reason to continue as i am. a reason to not just say screw it and retreat from the world completely.
thats me above. smirking at my own pain. laughin at that little fucking optimist trying to survive. giggling at her still caring 4 every1 else. smilin at tha fact that she thinks she can survive as she is.
thats me above. wearing a shroud tht does not completely reveal all of me to the world. just intimates at who i am. but never everything. im too weak to let all of me be given to the world. i might break at their reaction and im already at the breaking point.

If a flower doesn't receive water or sunlight, doesnt it die?

If Ayana cannot have a few moments of bliss away from my prisons of school and home, does she continue existing like she's meant to?
Lets see what happens when you remove her excursions from her home continuously.

4/30/05 11:14 pm

here it goes

1. Name:
2. Date of birth:
3. Place of residence:
4. What makes you happy:
5. What are you listening to now/last listened to:
6. Do you read my journal:
7. If you do, what are the bits that stand out as particularily good or bad:
8. Interesting fact about yourself:
9. Are you in love at the moment, or have a crush:
10. Favourite spot/place to be:
11. Your favourite lyrics (poetry or song):
12. Best time of the year:

1. A movie:
2. A book:
3. Artist/band, song and album:

1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. If we have mutual LJ friends, tell me what you like about them:
4. Put this in your own journal so I can tell you what I like about you.

You know what i love

Fred Astaire. well really i love old movies. B/c almost all of them are musicals. and most are delicious. I watched Swing Time tonight and omgosh im obsessed. Im in love with the movie. I just love old movies 4 that quality of musicals.
One of my new fav songs from that movie

Never Gonna Dance
Though, I'm left without a penny,
The wolf was discreet.
He left me my feet.
And so, I put them down on anything
But the la belle,
La perfectly swell romance.
Never gonna dance.
Never gonna dance.
Only gonna love.
Never gonna dance.

Have I a heart that acts like a heart,
Or is it a crazy drum,
Beating the weird tattoos
Of the St. Louis Blues?

Have I two eyes to see your two eyes
Or see myself on my toes
Dancing to radios
Or Major Edward Bowes?

Though, I'm left without a penny,
The wolf was discreet.
He left me my feet.
And so, I put them down on anything
But the la belle,
La perfectly swell romance.

Never gonna dance.
Never gonna dance.
Only gonna love.
Never gonna dance.

I'll put my shoes on beautiful trees.
I'll give my rhythm back to the breeze.
My dinner clothes may dine where they please,
For all I really want is you.

And to Groucho Marx I give my cravat.
To Harpo goes my shiny silk hat.
And to heaven, I give a vow
To adore you. I'm starting now
To be much more positive.

Though, I'm left without my Penny,
The wolf was not smart.
He left me my heart.
And so, I cannot go for anything
But the la belle,
La perfectly swell romance.

Never gonna dance.
Never gonna dance.
Only gonna love you.
Never gonna dance.

4/10/05 11:22 pm - Needed Update

I havent updated in 2 months. I guess its b/c the whole anthology had me drained. Revealing pieces of me, opening wounds and leaving myself open in that way takes adjustment time. I still am healing from it.
I revealed enough in two entries that it woulda taken me months to tell some people. Sadie heard things about me I wish I could have just told her, but the opportunity never arose til the anthology. It told her alot in the entries she read I think.

But I have nothing to really to tell anyone, currently. Just that I need to refind myself. I keep losing myself every now and then. How I'm not sure. Just that I do. I continuously lose myself. I don't know. I guess its from having so many different ideas/identities in one person. I think I dont know. I dont know what iM SAYING. Anyways Ill end now.

One more thing. The One Acts at the Firehouse Theater were amazing. Angie you kick better butt as an actor and producer than Kenshin does as a samurai. Josh you just produced something that just way ebyond fit you and was great.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair is still in my head btw

2/27/05 06:20 pm - ARGH! just a quick one b/w the turner thesis

I dont like how everyone fucking sees me as their personal whipping girl. Just cuz they are upset or are having shit at home or just gain some sort of pleasure by putting me down, they dont need to take it out on me or use me as that sort of device of pleasure.
I have received and receive enough fucking mental abuse at home and elsewhere, and I do not need to get it from my friends as well. A little compassion sometimes at the least not much of but some. Not the lets beat on the yana for kicks. Lets gang up on her and point out her shortcomings. of course I have a frickin bad memory. I dont remember everything people think i should. This does not make me dumb. and just cuz i believe in something differently. doesnt mean im crazy. it just means i have different beliefs. dont pull out the holy sword of god and stab me for it. IM FUCKING SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!! this type of stuff makes me want to run away and hide in the deepest darkest dankest hole of the earth and then let it swallow me up whole and then let it tear away at my flesh and knaw at my soul. CUZ ITS THAT IRRITATING.
Maybe people just dont get it. Im sensitive. Im sensitive to everything you say to me. every gesture. every insult. I can take it if i know its a joke and its not so offensive. not so abrasive. not so violently deliberately meant to make me feel dumb and meaningless and small. its argh i give up im going back to reading this dumb thesis. i apologize for wasting all of your time. dont read this. which your probably wont. but im just making sure u wont. thank you.

2/26/05 08:04 pm - yup

hmm well what can i say. First my no slacking new year's resolution/lent thing. Ive definitely have been almost perfect with my mission of staying on top of things this quarter. Its amazing. When you turn things in on time, you get good grades. When you do your homework for trig, you dont feel beaten up side the head with a sledge hammer by her surprise homework checks, which she only does to hurt you something badly.

I ran for secretary for Young Democrats. I didnt know that I needed a speech, so I kind of had to wing it; however, I WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!! I have a position of power to spread my little democratic views (a bit radical at times) to all those conservative people out there. Making the world the way it should be. A semi pure democracy, not completely cuz society is too corrupt for that much freedom and responsiblity over their lives.

Ive been in a better mood b/c I've used something to keep me sane. And its working. Now how long this saneness will last is a whole nother story though. Cuz nothing lasts untarnished forever, except love and hate. Even though love and hate do last forever, they tend to change over time not for the good or the bad, just for its own growth i guess.

My brother doesnt know how to control his pent up anger btw. I know i want to stab things including myself when im angry or confused or frustrated. But he just full on breaks things. he definitely punched a hole in our laundry room door. Something Ive wanted to do for years but knew Id get in more trouble for it from my dad cuz im a girl and i should be docile and all that type of bullshit that makes me want to inject some arsenic in his bottled water. but o well. bump it. when i learn fencing (which will hopefully be this summer) ill take my anger out on my opponents. and on trees. and on any other object that gets in my way

But I believe Im done.

2/15/05 10:24 am - Valentine's Day ~ Sickness

Well for starters, I became horribly sick on valentine's day. Out of all the holidays, the heartache holiday led to my health downfall. I have the flu. I believe. (Symptoms: cold sweats, weak, throat is crap, congested, fever, occasional headache). But o well. I still feel chipper. But I can't really talk at all (probably b/c I spoke way too much yesterday), except for when I'm drinking tea. I guess because of the herbs and warmth of it. But it makes me sad, b/c I love water. BUT IT HURTS TO DRINK ITS DELICIOUS COLDNESS!!! ergle! poo! boo! durnit!!!
Enough with the sickness

Yesterday was a good day I believe. I made Johnny happy. So that made my heart skip and jump and frolick, which it is still doing currently. *huge smile/can't contain glee*
I'm worried for someone (cuz some1 was a jerk to them) but thats something I cant really discuss here but yea. definitely worried.
I saw so many happy people yesterday running all around our school. it was great.
I had a VIP meeting during 3rd period in Ms. Bowman's sick bay. It was funny/dumb. A bunch of sick people together chilling and passing along germs and such. Mr. Brown turning on lights as a threat to keep us from talking ("sick people shouldnt be talking"*he said with sarcasm and a smirk*). hehe.
Hung out with Johnny, Taheera, Vicki, and Carla pretty much all study hall. Got about 2% of my homework completed.
Everything was pretty much peaceful and happy yesterday...

Until afterschool around like 4:30ish, when it got very rough, ghetto, dumb, and just pure bull.
I supposedly was supposed to have step practice or whatever, but the listing for it was incorrect on the schedule. Well actually it was more inconsistent than incorrect. B/c to those in the club they understood how it worked. But for those of us not in the club, it wasnt exactly. If the calender was maybe written better or something. It would have been understandable. And I would have attended practice. Despite my feeling out of it. Which I know they didnt give a fuck about. which is why I dont feel bad about missing the practice.
But anyways back to topic. I was approached, while I was chilling at a table with Wambura, Quentin, Taheera, Carla, and Jory (suzie o, zach, and tobin had already left by then). And when I say approached. I mean in an aggressive, stuck-up, condescending way. (And this was following them giving us evil stares and looks from the balcony over the commons). So Leviticus Spumante Williams (and yes i called out his full name) (a so-called best-good friend of mine) approaches carla and me at the table. And he brings up the fact that we werent in practice. And tells us despite our reasons for still being here afterschool and despite the weirdness of the schedule since we were still in the building we should have went to practice. And so carla and me tagteamed him/let him know why we did not attend and if they wanted us to attend then they should have made it more organized, let us know ahead of time, and gave us all these details that they failed to mention along time ago. And then levi went on and talked about how it was planned along time ago and blah de blah. And we were like but we arent in the club (the club being USB) so we really didnt find out til maybe 2 weeks ago. And the informational type details argument continued for a few minutes when all of a sudden it turned personal. I dont remember how or when but it did.

B/c carla and me were like we dont appreciate you coming over here and starting something. And we dont appreciate that little posse over there talking about us as they talk about everyone so please leave.
And leviticus went on to say that we talked about them all the time. And we were like no we talk about guys all the time (we talk about other things but thats one of the topics/that is not too personal that we discuss). And then he's like how do you know they talk about you all the time cuz they dont. And we both said b/c you told us. He said when. Carla said freshmen year which he did, and I said last year b/c he did in detail. This went on for awhile til we shut him up. Which is probably why I cant speak today b/c I was yelling while my throat hurt which I shouldnt have done but I was fucking pissed. That one he approached me in that way. And two hes my friend (a used to be good one). And three after he figured out he had lost against us he went back to those gossiping vicious snipes and talked with them most likely about us. So he has lost in so many fucking ways. grr!!!!
I guess there will be no step for the black history jank or it just wont include those of us who missed yesterday perhaps. Who knows. I've lost patience anyways. I try not to lose patience. But that whole situation was complete bullshit. With tooo toooo manmy fake ass bitches, slipping their tongues a little too loosely around me. I usually can ignore it. But no that shit needs squashing. They took such a little thing and made it into a big thing. And not for the right reasons. They did it because they needed someone to gossip/trash and because they dont like us. Why who knows. Ive never done anything to them. Ive been attempting my best to be nice, friendly, cordial, which is major. Its major because these are people I know to discuss me in unfriendly, rude ways continuously. And for me to be nice and extend curtosies to those who'll take them but then trash them later is ARGH!!! There's no word in the english language for what that does to me. But o well. Blah! to them.
But after all this crap, I received something, which made up for it. So its all good. They aint screw my day.
Then I went to chill with carla in the senior commons as always. I talked with her. Blew off steam. Talked to Alina. Felt bad for the pain her arch was causing her. Fallen arches sux alot. They are suxy to have in any sport. Hung with Quentin and Carl after Carla left. Teased Carl about how he missed out so much on the dance. Found out the bet has been pushed back another week (itll never start). Its up to 100 now. Discussed the most random mess with those two. Met a new person (Jason from wrestling). Threw a football around with Q, Carl, Blanton, Elena, and Phillip. And then after Q and Carl left played I declare war with phillip. Then waited til doomsday while having fever daydreams for my mom to rescue me. Then I immediately fell asleep.

2/13/05 11:21 pm

hmmm i've been coerced into updating --> DURN YOU CARLA

Well tomorrow's Valentine's Day. Normally, the one of the only holidays that I don't really like or consider a holiday (the other being Columbus Day). But i may like tomorrows. But it still needs to be celebrated b/w lovers (those in love) every day. Not just one day thats bootleg.
Also I feel like a dork because I'm making cookies for some1 upon request, and im doing a great act tmw. Just wait it'lll be amazing. + Im wearing a black and pink dress (singles awareness with flair)

O snap Im watching he grammy's and James Brown popped outta nowhere. *drools* He's amazing!

Valentine's Dance was great btw. Before I was at Chucky Cheese for my nephew's 4th birthday party. Khalil is the best he's amazing. I love my nephews. The only downer there was runnign around in heels and bad little kids, but o well. Not important.
Lemme sum the v-day dance up since I'm still cooking.

V- Day Dance= (im stealing faith's method almost, luv ya faith)
+ yana in a knee length dress that never stayed at my knee's that whole night
+ trains with 4 or more people
+ trains/group dances/orgies with 3 or more girls
+ dancing in groups of 4 or more
+ grinding sessions everywhere
+ multiple gurls on one guy
+ dancing with asians, indians, blacks, and whites (it was definitely international for me)(Andy Kim has such rhythm that made me so happy)
+ 1 semi slow dance (let me love you by mario~ who is my future mayn btw)
+ random bootleg non dancing songs (which were funny)
+ the incredibly hott tobin *wink* hehe
+ romanian pop
+ indian dancing circles
+ hanging out with friends
+ herb's comments about how eric knows he wants some chocolate loving (he doesnt though, so boo!)
+ dancing-conga lines (during Love shack)
+ signing and dancing with faith and shana during love shack (our asl is the best- :-P)
+ lap dances that were given to me
+ sittin in a chair for moments waiting for a good song
+ Brian Moorefield shaking it fast for me
+ Wesley with much rhythm and handling in the words of destiny's child all this jelly
+ everyone looking amazing (i mean every1 besides the person that was mean to carlizzle cuz she loses)
+ hott songs
+ tobin not playing disco inferno cuz it had the word ass in it, but definitely played candy shop which basically all about sex (hahaha what a paradoxical situation)
+ whatever I have failed to mention

It made me beyond happy. it was our best dance ever, which is sad when you think about it. But o well.
I'm done

2/6/05 04:41 pm - HW distraction

I'm turning over a new leaf. o I hope too. I'm going to attempt to work hard and be studious. But anyways...

The Twelfth Night is one of my new favorite plays by Shakespeare, well from his comedies at least

An Extremely Funny Play (2 me at least)

I'd wish to play Viola in this. She's the gurl! There's a really good version of the play done on VHS. I really need to find it. it portrayed the play extremely well.

Also my favorite part in the play of Macbeth is some lines said by Lady Macbeth in Act 1 Scene 5 i believe

Come to my woman's breasts, And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
Wherever in your sightless substances
You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell,
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry 'Hold, hold!'

Also my new favorite song
is Disappear by Hoobastank
you should definitely check it out

I didnt do anything really today. just sort of got kicked around mentally/emotionally by my brother and felt like a jerk when i didnt do anything in reality. i definitely need to learn to turn off my emotions completely. i kick myself around too much when i didnt even screw up, which i guess is unhealthy. that and suppression...bleh!

1/31/05 11:15 pm - BIRTHDAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can't really detail what happened right now cuz i need 2 be studying and writing 2 essays but it was better than I thought it could ever be.
Despite my father's existance!!!WOOTT!!!!!!!!!

Short Version (maybe elaboration for later)
My grandma knows me way too well. She understands my little fetishes for small/old/ twinket type things. Nostalgia is my thing, and she filled a whole bag full of nostalgia for my birthday. I HAVE MY GRANDDAD"S mustache brush and comb case--> he's away thats my nicest way of saying that but yea. Having pieces of him helps. Then my mom found the most sexiest non innocent dress ever. I may have 2 sport that 2 prom. Its like dramatic, classic light and dark at the same time (well 2 me at least), and it makes me feel all sorta spanish tango type. YAY!!
I GOT RAPED!! Thats going 2 be my greatest birthday memory. Ranjan jumped me, and I was in heels. And my knees gave out in shock and then he lifted me back up. I was like WHOA!!! And he got like air, seriously. He was hitting my waist type height. IT WAS INSANE. and then i told danielle i was having his baby which was kind of one of my random behind statements out of nowhere. It was funny to see her reaction. hahaha. im mad carla and taheera were just laughing away.
And I can't wear cowboy hats ever again cuz of course hetzer has to pick on me. And make me feel like a whore. I CANT BE ONE TIL I ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. A KISS OR SUMTHIN AT THE LEAST DAMNIT!! When he was leaving he was like "how much?" BLAH!! it made me laugh. But i definitely had certain guys double take at me today. Let me not wear a dress again. Ever!!! except at formal events. Cuz that made me feel uncomfy. Me and dressing up always = me uncomfy. Cuz people look at me differently. O poo o well.
And I hung out all afterschool in the senior commons with carla nad taheera and acted a fool. Laughed at the jolly giant and how she needs 2 move on from him soon cuz he's a no no. and cuz he's giant.
Hhehehe I got an encoded gift from taheera with keebler elves on it (+$ but the elves are more important). And I got a fox from jory, but I want to see my real gift dangit!!! And wesley had this whole sing 2 yana on the bus thing planned but whoops ayana rode to school with her paps. I failed for that.
But Back 2 work for now more details lata

Howard the Duck song is sweet

I don't know why you're not talking to me, I don't know what went wrong, when two people with so much in common...

1/30/05 08:35 pm

Shedding tears
Like rips in the seams of my heart
Releases pieces of me
Bit by Bit for all the world to see
Until I'm left naked
My fear comes to me
And crushes my dreams
Breaks my hopes
Leaves me desolate
No form more worse than a tangible one
One you can't escape
And infests your mind
To have you within and without
I'm unprotected
But still covered
Waiting for the revelation
To be freed
To be sound once more
Nevermore to allow
My fear to rip through my barrier
And reveal me

Argh!! all of the above quite sux but it just sorta popped out of nowhere it needs much fixing. but if you knew the situation i guess you may be able 2 understand but I dont care 2 explain verbally. Words can not express the pain I feel. The sickness inside. I can't stand it all. And of course Im so chipper right b4 my birthday. Woo Hoo!! He returned andd fuckked it all up again so fuck my birthday its only a day right not important. hmm im glad one person has escaped the fucked up ness = christina agu. i wish we all could. i wish i could. i was studying but now my concentration's broke. my patience gone. my....
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